A guest blog by Mr T Bagg-Mesurier

Recently, over a brew, NaHaL and I were chatting about all manner of things when I began reminiscing about a holiday in Orkney. It was many moons ago (blimey, nearly ten whole years), and I was accompanied by a staffer from a wildlife charity, who shall remain nameless for reasons which will become apparent. Now, quite possibly brought on by my hot beverage habit, a list was drawn up of a possible range of teas which could be sold in unsaid organisation's shops. This list has been filed away on my phone ever since.

No, hang on, it's all coming back to me now. It was during a big rebrand of the charity, and some literature about promoting wildlife in your garden was being rewritten. One of the changes was to include dimensions using tea bags as the basic unit of measurement.

I. Jest. You. Not.

However, back to the tasty infusions that would likely appeal to a bunch of tea-total birders:

Nightjardeeling - ok this is a contrived spoonerism, but at least it is a teaspoon-erism. As befits a nocturnal bird, the registered geographical indication (RGI) for Darjeeling refers to a black tea;

Lapwing Souchong - I'm not sure how a farmland bird often found in wet or rough pasture has become associated with a smoky pine resin aroma. Legal advice has intimated that I should strenuously point out that I have never, ever, sniffed a Lapwing;

Red Bush Chat - Apparently there's no such bird, it's actually a Rufous-tailed Scrub Robin, or at best a Rufous Bush Chat. Worse still, South Africa is outside its natural range, so this looks like a non-starter as an avian-inspired tea blend, though I don't think that would necessarily put off an advertising agency from giving it a go;

Earl Grey Phalarope - Obviously, a dainty wader which breeds in the Arctic and overwinters at sea was an obvious choice for a tea leaf from China flavoured with Bergamot oil from Italy. We'll let the RGI lawyers argue that one amongst themselves;

Pallas' Grasshopper (PG) Tips - This feels like the most contrived of the lot, so imagine my surprise when I discovered a real avian connection. Well, for a certain value of 'real'. When, in 2002, PG Tips finally stopped using chimpanzees dressed as humans (the Tipps family) in their adverts, the replacements were a bunch of claymation birds, the T-Birds, aka Tom the Owl, Maggie the Pigeon, Pete the Starling and Holly the Blue Tit. 

I must admit that this televisual extravaganza had completely passed me by.

Right, I'm off to put the kettle on.